Tricksy My Soul Dog

Ah Tricksy, my first love and Soul dog, and where our whole dog story began.

This photo was taken during our first weekend pet sitting our neighbour Jacqui's dog Tricksy, who we lavished with attention, cuddles and treats, as we enjoyed every moment of her stay!

Tricksy changed my life forever!

Initially, Tricksy's person didn't think she would come to us as she was very wary of people and could be unfriendly, but we quickly won her over and she tootled into our home for her first meal.

And never left!

From that moment on, Tricksy decided she was moving in and didn't leave my side, creating a whole new problem between us and our neighbour!

Following a lovely weekend of walks on the beach, evenings spent by the fire and nights cuddling in our bed, the time came to go home and she dutifully went.

I will never forget her face and paw at the window when 5 minutes later she returning rapping at the glass asking to come back in!

Of course, we let her in and she stayed another night.

And then another, and another, and another!

Each day, Tricksy made regular trips back to her original home when she heard the car pull up and Jacqui's kids returning from school, and after she was done she would return back to me.

The sight of her bounding back was pure joy for us both.

Tricksy came into a my life at a time when I was recovering from a chronic illness and I was mostly housebound. 

Having this little light as a constant companion was deeply uplifting and I loved and cherished every second we spent together.

In addition, she motivated me to begin to spend time outside which gradually progressed to slow and gentle walks to the beach, which we both loved.

Our beach walks were the best.

There is something about the pureness of the light in the little beach town where we lived that was very healing.

And the beach was always so quiet and wild and inviting, the water so cold it made you feel alive.

The time Tricksy spent with me created a little tension, but Jacqui didn't have the time or energy to dedicate to her in the same way that I did and she understood Tricksy's heart's desire.

Also, she knew that Tricksy was better off with me and wanted to make that happen, but Tricksy was her children's dog and it was difficult territory to navigate.

At the time, I couldn't take her permanently as I was still travelling and wasn't able to commit to her and it wasn't long before I got itchy feet and it was moving time again.

I realised with time that moving time always came just as I'd made somewhere my home and I came to realise that this was an act of self-sabotage.

I was running away even though I firmly believed I was running towards.

I left the home I was renting next door to Tricksy (one of the many mistakes I made in my life) and went travelling around the Caribbean as this was where I thought I wanted to live.

After a couple of months, I realised that the home I was searching for was the home I had left behind and I made the decision to return, for Tricksy, who had captured my heart.

The old adage that home is where your heart is, is true.

I wasn't able to rent my original house as someone else was living there by then, but amazingly I was able to rent a house across the road, meaning I was still close to Tricksy.

I was overjoyed.

On the night I returned, Jacqui came to meet me with Tricksy and she twirled endlessly in circles leaping and turning with joy!

Jacqui said she had never seen her like that before and it was another memory I will never forget, it was so wonderful to be home and to be welcomed with so much glee!

And so our love affair began again, with Tricksy immediately moving back in with us.

We again spoke about me taking Tricksy and this time, I was ready to commit to her, but didn't know how to handle the situation with regard to the children.

I made the decision that I would only take her if they agreed, and only in hindsight did I realise what a fatal mistake that was, costing everyone dearly, but most of all, Tricksy.

Life lessons are always very expensive and it's imperative that when decisions need to be made for the life and happiness of an animal, that the needs of the animal come first.

The best person for the job is always the person who loves them the most, who is willing and able to do whatever it takes, and with the animal of course having the final say. 

In this regard, Tricksy needed and wanted to be with me, and I her, we were soul mates.

Feeling that I needed more space and a quieter place to live, and again, not realising what I had, and being challenged with our somewhat shared custody, I moved again.

Someone once told me that half of something is better than all of nothing and that's true.

Although, had I moved in faith and stayed put, Tricksy would have lived with me and would be here now. 

The fact that we were brought back together so many times is testament to that.

When you are chasing a dream you focus on what you want as opposed to what you will be leaving behind and this is a dangerous trap.

Off I went again, and again we had discussions about me taking Tricksy, and again I said the children would have to agree.

Remarkably, 4 months later I got another chance to return to the same street that Tricksy lived on, to the same house as the last time, across the road from her, and the cycle started again.

But the same problems arose and the house didn't meet my needs and this time, I moved around the corner, resolving to visit Tricksy regularly, which of course, I didn't.

The only way you can stay in someone's life is to stay in their life. Once you leave, life takes you in a different direction and it's never the same.

When you change everything, everything changes. I longed for the old days but I could never get them back. Little did I know they were gone for good.

Life got busy, I got involved in dog rescuing, I didn't want to bother Jacqui, I constantly resolved to go and see Tricksy tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow but tomorrow never came.

We often think we have all the time in the world and aren't able to see the blessings that are right in front of our face, and this is when it all falls apart.

I moved again, to where I am now, 3 ½ hours away from where I used to live, determined to visit Tricksy as often as I could, and I did return and still do, every few months.

Now Tricksy is no longer there and it took a long time for the grief to leave the place I once called home and for the light to return.

Sometimes when I visit, I see her in my mind's eye, and my heart breaks a little more. I never have a dry eye when I think of her, I loved that little poppet with my whole heart.

Before I left, I told Jacqui that if she ever needed anything for Tricksy, anything at all, any amount of money, that I would be there for her for the rest of her life.

In addition, should the right circumstances arise, I would love to take her, not knowing that right circumstances never arise, and instead require an open heart and a leap of faith.

I was trapped in the delusion that one day Tricksy and I would end up together and I comforted myself with a stuffed toy that looked like her and various pictures and reminders.

Until the fateful day that this dream was over for good and any chance of reconciliation was dead, like Tricksy.

This bright little Soul who needed me, who would have climbed inside me if she could, was let down by so many.

I found out that Tricksy had been knocked over on the same street where she lived, right outside my old house, the one where I lived that was across the road to hers.

It wasn't a fatal accident, she had only broken her femur and would have most certainly healed in time, following a R20,000 operation.

Another neighbour, Ruth, who Tricksy spent a lot of time with before me, offered to loan Jacqui R10,000, but struggling financially, Jacqui decided to put Tricksy down.

I found out months later, having been told by neither party, and what hurt me the most was that I had made sure to communicate that I would be there in any capacity for this exact moment.

On some level, my Soul knew that Tricksy would need me and I wasn't there.

I was devastated.

Tricksy was my Soul dog.

She was irreplaceable.

I was filled with so much regret, pain and anger that my heart ached.

I was inconsolable. 

My best friend in the world had to stand alone, and was now nothing more than a memory.

Tricksy, a beautiful white Maltese poodle who the phrase "little but fierce" was made for, who had the courage of a lion, was no more.

I learned the very painful lessons of recognising what you have when you have it and putting the life of the being who needs you, first.

Tricksy will never be forgotten and will always have a very special place in my heart.

My first and best dog friend.

My Soul dog.

I loved her to the moon and back.

I pray that she forgives my mistakes.

And that we will please God be together again.

Until then, rest in peace my angel.

And know that you are always in my heart.

Woven into the very fabric of my being.