A Moral Dilemma
Whilst the vast majority of people and all cat colony caretakers have no hesitation in sterilising everyone at the earliest opportunity, this created a serious moral dilemma for us.
We wrestled with the fact that we were interfering with God's creation and wondered if we were even allowed to, but at the same time, the numbers were steadily increasing and we were struggling to cope.
I decided to fast for 30 days, allowing myself drinks and eating at 6pm each evening, in order to seek for answers, expecting full clarity, revelation and wisdom by the end of that time.
Wide & Deep Research
What followed was wide and deep research both in the bible and online, and this took a while to bear fruit as we were still trying to figure things out in our own power and might.
Throughout this period, God took me on a journey, and by the end, I knew exactly what I needed to do to fulfil His word and take care of His creation.
We are not to conform to pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of our mind. Then we will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will (Romans 12:2).
Our Duty As Stewards of God's Creation
We were made in God's image, so that we may have dominion over all the animals (Genesis 1:26), this is not a license to abuse them, but a charge to rule in righteousness, as God does.
Dominion began when God took man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it (Genesis 2:15) and He created animals to be our helpers (Genesis 2:20).
God gave us a position of trust, and as stewards of His creation, we must prove faithful (1 Corinthians 4:2) for God cares for our fellow creatures and not one of them are forgotten (Luke 12:6).
The Painful Truth
I couldn't stop thinking that altering and mutilating God's creation was a sin that de-sexes them, reduces the males power and prevents the females from having babies, thereby taking their joy.
I thought about how their sex and reproduction organs would be removed and tossed in the bin, having been made worthless, and making the males eunuchs and the females barren.
I was torn between wanting to protect them and feeling that I was taking away their blessing and birthright and I agonised over this decision.
Putting My Needs Ahead of Their Needs
I wondered if my desire to study the bible, create a home and undertake the plans I believe God has for me were selfish desires that infringed on the rights of the cats.
I wondered whether I was putting my needs for time to myself and to protect them ahead of their needs to be free as nature intended, and in doing so, negatively impacting, limiting and ruining their lives.
I wondered if I should let them fend for themselves, even though many have become domesticated and likely wouldn't survive long, even if they were still wild, there was a lot to think about.
Cats In The Wild
I thought about how they had no choice in the number of times they had to give birth and that we ourselves use preventative measures to limit the responsibility and stress.
I wondered if it might be hard for them to continuously be pregnant, even though their gestation and labour period is much shorter and seems much easier than ours.
I researched their effects on wildlife, although man's predation is far greater, and I thought about their short lives through starvation, disease, discomfort, predation, poisoning and euthanasia.
Jumping The Gun
Part way through my fast, I felt a false sense of peace come over me as the harsh reality was pushed to the back of my mind and this caused me to act prematurely and jump the gun.
The first kitten I scooped up and took to be sterilised is called Joy, and as she miaowed pitifully in the back, I pushed through, ignored her cries, even though I knew in my heart it was wrong.
When I collected them, I was amazed they still loved me and I immediately regretted what I had done, feeling I had betrayed their trust, and I had.
Waiting On God
When you make a decision that is in alignment with God's will, a real and affirmative sense of peace covers you, there is ease and you know in your heart that your decision, even if it's hard, is right.
I did't have that feeling because I didn't wait on God and instead, ploughed on in my own power and might, without God's blessing and timing.
I needed to wait until I had finished the fast and the process was complete, whereupon, I knew that I would receive full clarity, a deep sense of knowing and inner peace.
Revelation Through Loss
As I continued to fast, God continued to provide revelation, and this time, it was through the names of the kittens who had died from Kitten Fade Syndrome and the one that He saved.
The first kitten we lost was called Will I AM, who I named because I was willing him to live, because God's name is I AM and because I always name my animals by the names I feel lead to.
The second kitten was called Ziggy, who God later revealed to me shared the same name as my favourite animal rescue sanctuary, Ziggy's Refuge Farm Sanctuary, and the last was Maverick.
Realisation Through Gain
The kitten that God saved is called Alphie, who I named because he was the alpha, the first one to start moving around and wanting to get out and about.
I felt that God showed me, through the order of their deaths and the one He gave life to, that it all begins (Will I AM) and ends (Alpha) with Him.
Maverick was the last to die and this is significant as I am a maverick, however, it is critical that I am a maverick in accordance with God's will, as any deviation will result in suffering and death.
Life & Death
When you have so many animals in your care, death is a natural part of life, and it's something that you have to find acceptance of and come to peace with.
God told me who was going to die and when and I realised that instead of wrestling with him, I needed to accept His decisions, for His reasons, and be willing to fully surrender to His will.
I felt that through their deaths, He was showing us that we had more than we could comfortably handle and that prevention is better than cure.
Brownie's Wishes
Whilst still wrestling with the issues I was faced with, I was stroking Brownie and I realised that I had never thought to ask the cats what they thought about all of this.
In that moment, I felt that Brownie communicated to me that she would like to enjoy her life and if I could help her where I could, that would be great.
I realised that this is something I say to my Dad all the time and whilst I still wasn't sure what allowing her to enjoy her life meant, I knew I had to do my best, taking account of everything.
Our Call To Subdue The Earth
God then showed me that He told us to subdue the earth (Genesis 1:28) and I realised that I had a duty to manage the numbers in order to protect and serve His creation.
I also had a duty to fulfil whatever plans God has for me, aside from taking care of the animals, and it equally wouldn't be right for me to sacrifice myself for them.
I had to look at things differently in order to preserve and protect all of our lives, and the fact that God had provided me with a Sponsor who had offered to cover the costs, I considered this as a sign.
Taking Joy
I was still troubled by the fact that I had taken the ability for Joy to be able to experience the joy of motherhood away, and my heart ached for her.
Despite this, God showed me that whilst I had indeed taken Joy's joy, that ultimately, He would return the Joy that had been taken from her.
There is other joy to be had in living a long and happy life, being part of a loving family and being supported in every aspect, for the duration of your life, and that is my commitment to all of my animals.
Mistakes, Regrets & Morals
As we continued the process, we made a huge mistake that changed the course of our decisions going forward.
Upon collection of the last batch of cats, having stated previously that if any of the females were pregnant that we would not abort the babies in order to carry out the sterilisation, we were told that one of the wild cats was heavily pregnant.
The vet didn't know as they couldn't tell through the cat carrier, although in hindsight the box was heavy so both I and my helper should have realised, and as she was wild, they had to sedate her through the carrier and this would have killed the babies anyway; I was crushed, and so was the expectant Mum.
It Begins & Ends With God
There was no way of making this right, not only were we responsible for killing her babies, but we had permanently taken away her ability to conceive and give birth ever again, and this was a grievous sin that no amount of repenting could fix.
We decided going forward that because we had now come into mating season, we would only sterilise the boys, that way, we wouldn't repeat the same mistake and if God wanted to bless the girls, He could.
This would significantly keep the numbers down whilst leaving space for God to act should He so choose, and once mating season was over, we could sterilise the girls risk-free, and whilst this approach is not in line with worldly ways, our hearts and consciences felt clear.
The Whole Creation Has Been Groaning
The whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth (Romans 8:19-22). God is longing for us to return to Him and the whole of creation is longing to be made whole and set free.
The day is coming when the wolf will live with the lamb and nothing will harm nor destroy on all God's holy mountain, for the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the Lord (Isaiah 11:6-9).
Until then, we must do our utmost to protect and preserve the precious lives in our hands, living in harmony with God's creation and in alignment with His will.
Wisdom Bestows Wellbeing
For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding. (Proverbs 2:6)
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight (Proverbs 3:5-6).
Long life is in her (wisdom's) right hand; in her left hand are riches and honour. Her ways are pleasant ways, and all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her; those who hold her fast will be blessed (Proverbs 3:16-18).