The Pain of Letting Go
I rescued my first dog whilst I was on holiday with my family in Greece, when I saw a Facebook post from a lady called Michelle, begging someone to give a home to her dog, Diesel, as she was emigrating to the UK from South Africa and had been trying for months with no success.
I knew I could help and with 2 days to go, I was certain that no-one else would step forward, and that failure to act would result in the death of the dog and the falling into a deep pit of regret by Michelle, Diesel's Trusted Guardian, as a result of taking his life.
After many hours of hard work, from the comfort of my hotel balcony with the help of a strong WiFi connection, together with access to Facebook and WhatsApp, God brought us a perfect home, and whilst this was heart-wrenching for both parties, this marked the beginning of a new journey.
The mantle of shame and the oil of joy is so closely linked, the need to let go when everything in your body wants to hold on, and when what's best for another is not best for you is so hard to navigate, and bonds of trust are not only broken, but shredded, shattered and severed.
There is so much conflict in doing what's right, the fear, anxiety and suffering attached to the unknown, the pain of letting go, the feeling of sickness in the pit of your stomach that doesn't go away, a sinking heart and a constant replaying of each decision, love requires so much from us.
Healing From A Broken Heart
In the beginning, it was felt that Diesel may die of a broken heart, and we prayed him through from a distance, and in time, his pain eased, subsided and healed.
Michelle's longing for closure came in a dream a long time later, when Diesel came to say his final goodbye, and just like that, both were released from the bonds that held them.
8 years later, I felt a sliver of Michelle's pain, when I felt compelled to re-home a young puppy I rescued who I called Pringle, whilst on my way home from Pringle Bay.
Pringle had tick-bite fever and was very anaemic, but her spirit quickly lifted once I'd taken her from a life of hardship and planted her in fertile soil and she thrived, following me around everywhere and experiencing joy, comfort and safety for the first time.
Being so wildly over-capacity at home, I felt that I had to draw a line and I extended my trip until I had found her a perfect home, believing that our bond would always remain, only to discover that whilst she forgave me, I had really hurt her, and this broke me.
The Bigger Picture
Pringle wasn't aware of the bigger picture and didn't understand why I felt that I had to let her go, perhaps she thought she had done something wrong, but of course she hadn't, she was perfect, beautiful, gentle, young and completely innocent.
When I rescued her, I had 2 other dogs with me, she didn't know how many more I had at home and how many more lives I was responsible for, to her, we were a little crew, who went everywhere together, where she was never left behind, not even for a moment.
This was a weak moment for me and feeling so completely and utterly overwhelmed and bereft of my regular coping system through the help of my guys, having been away for so long, with so much emotional challenges to deal with, I re-homed her before both she and I were ready.
I didn't know this at the time, but in hindsight, Pringle was too young and too sick to be re-homed and being separated from two mum's, her real mum and then me, at such a young age, in such quick succession, was too much.
In my heart, I thought I was giving her a great life, where she would have more one-to-one attention than I was able to give, but it was too soon and once the wheels turned, it was too late to undo.
Overwhelming Responsibility
The responsibility for a life in our hands is overwhelming and there can be no mistakes, as mistakes usually result in suffering, serious injury or death.
As a rescuer, having so many lives in my hands, the responsibility increases exponentially and the challenge amplifies and increases to a back-breaking degree.
Of course, the dogs don't know any different, all they know is that they love you to the moon and back because you saved them, they don't want to go and live anywhere else, and what they have with you is so much more than what they had before, and they are happy.
But for the caregiver, there is a constant tightrope to walk between how many is too many, with limits placed on you by outside authorities and even when the limits don't apply, it's a fine balance between spreading yourself too thinly and giving everyone the care and attention they need.
And so at a certain point, it makes sense to re-home those who are ready, who would cope and who would prefer a particular set of circumstances and environment, and the process of re-homing begins.
The Commitment To Do No Harm
My commitment is so much more than to do no harm, it is my heartfelt need to place each dog in their perfect home, which is something I instinctively know, following a thorough assessment.
But there's an art to this, whereby timing is everything, and with Pringle, I definitely jumped the gun, as hurting a little soul who loved and trusted me, who I loved and trusted in return, is not an option.
When I left her, I didn't explain to her what was happening, I just slipped out of the door, and she looked for me for a long time, crying in abandonment, betrayal and bewilderment, not knowing what would happen to her, and I ripped my own heart believing this to be for the greater good.
By the time I found this out, her new Mum had claimed her as her own and wouldn't give her back to me, thinking that I was a terrible person for letting her go in the first place, that I hadn't assessed her properly and worse, that I had withheld vital medical treatment, which wasn't true.
Pringle was the first dog I had ever re-homed who had been with me, as I usually re-home animals remotely, without meeting them myself, and whilst Pringle was only with me for 6 days, hurting her affected me so deeply, that I wasn't able to re-home another dog for some time.
Love Never Fails
I am reminded of the bible verses about love and I look to them for wisdom, savouring, lingering over and breathing deeply into each word, in the search for comfort, forgiveness and clarity.
Love is patient, love is kind.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
Love is the greatest force, greater even than faith and hope. (1 Corinthians 13:13)
Persevering In Love
After meeting with Pringle, for the first time since letting her go, approximately 2 months later, I left feeling hurt.
The little gentle lick she gave me ever so briefly, before taking her leave, told me everything I needed to know, and it cut to my core.
Feeling hurt and rejected, the same feelings that she would have felt when I left her, I initially felt that there was no point to seeing her again, but love doesn't quit and love never fails, so I must persevere until I can somehow reach her again.
I made her a promise to be there for her for the rest of her life, for the rest of my life, and I will keep that promise, checking in on her now and again and rebuilding her trust, if she will allow me to.
Quitters never win and winners never quit and where there is a will there is a way, so I will stand in love, trusting God when he says that love never fails, until I succeed.
Together, We Can Save Them All
With so many animals urgently and desperately in need of rescue, care and attention, the only way to save them all is through finding and placing them in perfect loving homes, that are tailored to each animal's individual needs.
If I could keep them all I would, I love each and every unique soul who has crossed my path, particularly those who have lived with me, both in my home and in my heart, they are all different and special, with their own quirks, character and personalities, and no two are the same.
But it's not best for them to be part of a big pack, and their ability to enjoy life, go on adventures and benefit from all the love and all the snacks is significantly reduced and shared.
Therefore, letting go and letting God guide our steps is the best way to ensure their happiness, share the love with others and give them the very best that life has to offer.
But the secret lies in a gentle transition, in a way that is safe, both for the animal and the rescuer, whose hearts will break beyond repair if this is not done correctly, in a process that engages all parties, in an act of Trusted Guardianship that knows no bounds.
Perfect Homes
Matching people to dogs is most definitely an art and when it works, it really works.
Many of the dogs I've placed have been soulmate matches and this is very special, and incredibly rare, for both parties.
The challenge lies in the ongoing relationship between the rescuer and the animal who has been placed, as there is a deep bond that is cherished and an additional Trusted Guardian who will be there in any eventuality as a pillar of strength, support and service is priceless.
In order to be able to navigate this sometimes rocky terrain, where emotions run high, fast and deep, this must be done from a place of peace, patience, purity, possibility and positivity.
The animal that is placed has a say too and it's critical that their voices are heard, respected and honoured.
The Subtle Difference Between Holding A Hand & Chaining A Soul
After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security.
And you begin to understand that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head held high and your eyes wide open, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
You learn to build your roads on today, because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
Love Endures
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong.
And that you really do have worth and that you keep learning.
With every goodbye you learn. (Author Unknown)
Love Keeps Learning
And so we must keep learning, keep evolving and keep growing.
We must hold hearts and nurture bonds, looking to God to guide our steps, our words and our decisions.
Love saves all, never leaving anyone behind.
Love endures.
And most of all, love never fails.
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